A Thoughtful night :-)

The Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed with the Sun - By William Blake

Dated : 24th-Sept-09

I don't know what compounded my confusions and confessions that I got addicted to insomniac nights . Keep on searching for something in the darkness of night, trying to answers of my questions and questions of my answers . As in spanish word for dark is 'OSCURA' simply means "obscure" . So the Dark night means an "Obscure night" i.e it doesn't comprehend clearly what is happening .Lets see it from other dimension . The darkness or obscure nature of night doesnt implies its sinister nature , but it implies that the liberation takes places in hidden ways, beneath our knowlegde abd understanding . God darken our awareness in order to keep us safe .We can't chart our own course ,we become vulnerable to GOD's protection , and the darkness becomes a "guiding night" , a "night more kindly than the dawn". Also as said in V forVendetta ""The darkest hour comes before the dawn."". Aah ..!! I dont know what the hell I keep on writing . I started this mail with a lovely thought and somehow started speaking of la noche oscura . Yesterday night or more specific during the darkest hours of the night, while googling for something , i started reading about "ORANGUTANS : a endangered species of great apes ".

Orangutans : They differ from other species of great apes in several important ways.Though their intelligence and relative lifespan are traits shared by the other great primates, the social behavious and general lifestyle of orangutans are quite different.
The two other groups of great apes : Chimpanzees and Gorillas ,live in mixed social groups . Orangutans ,on the other hand ,live semisolitary existences. That is to say ,Male orangutans live alone most of the time, occupying and defending their territory and the females who live there . Though female residing within the boundaries of one male orangutan's domain belong to him , they dont live with him. Their only intimate contact occurs during weeklongs periods of fertility every few years, between pregnancies. Once a female is pregrant ,she takes care of herself and eventually raises her baby completely alone. Even when several adult females and their babies group around the same fruit tree - a rare but possible event- they don't fight or share as other primate groups world, but instead ignore each other.

Inference I made from this : We normally say "Man is a social Animal". But in the modern world no-one has time to socialize so earlier human beings were kind of decadents from the great apes. We used to have joint families, used to have more than 1000 folks joining the marriage ceremonies and death ceremonies , ladies cooking 100's of chapaties and ten or more kids fighting for a choclate (Melody khao khud jan jao) . These behaviour of human resembles with Gorillas or Chimpanzees . But what about modern man????? Including me typing mails and you reading ;-). We now talk about Live-in relationships and living in nuclear families . Whole concept of human existence has changes in last decade. Now I think the previous generation was a decendant of Gorillas and we , so called "X-Gen" or "Y-Gen" or "NXT-Gen" folks, are decendants from Orangutan . Reading about them in the above passage looks resembles whole and souly with 21st century human with just one modification : Here both male and female have their own territories (Not like in Orangutan ).

"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled."

I look into the mirror
See myself, I'm over me
I need space for my desires
Have to dive into my fantasies


I think I bore you guys with my floating thoughts each day , do let me know if you don't wanna be part of my abstruse thoughts. I Woke up early morning with a nightmare of my router crash and blah blah ;-) .Looking at the clear blue sky and the wet earth from my room's window reminded me of Pink floyd's songs "Good bye blue sky "

"Look mummy, there's an aeroplane up in the sky"
Did you see the frightened ones?
Did you hear the falling bombs?
Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter
When the promise of a brave new world
Unfurled beneath a clear blue sky?

Such a amazing song with sarcastic and acidulous remark on human progress . The progress which we mark as acme of our civilization, filled with the horror of warfare and terrorism where today we have bigger houses but small families , more degrees but less common sense ,advanced medicines but poor health ,two earning hands but more divorces,touched moon but no contacts with our neighbors , high salaries yet less peace of mind .We are floating over the line.Let us follow our mind .All of our life we'll wait for the answer. and the question is why ?We're just travelers in endless space. If we're following our mind, We can glide into light.
No one knows if there'll be an answer ,While we're morphing through time .
With all these thoughts crawling in my skin and these wounds which will not heal ,Fear is how I fall , Confusing what is real , I started listening songs and to make my life easier I played 5 star rated songs and the top one were of Gulaal.Now as always after listening one of its song "Aarambh hai prachand" , I started googling about a dialogue which was basically a part of a poem by Ram dhari singh dinkar . At last I found the complete poem , loved reading that . Knowing the fact that my hindi is really bad but then i tried to google its words to understand the meaning of it throughly .I was just thinking 'now i regret of not paying much attention on hindi as a language during my early years of learning' but then another thought hit the walls of my brain 'it doesn't matter , now google is god ;-) ;-) ;-) '

दो न्याय अगर तो आधा दो, और, उसमें भी यदि बाधा हो,

तो दे दो केवल पाँच ग्राम, रक्खो अपनी धरती तमाम।

हम वहीं खुशी से खायेंगे,

परिजन पर असि न उठायेंगे!

लेकिन दुर्योधन

दुर्योधन वह भी दे न सका, आशीष समाज की ले न सका,

उलटे, हरि को बाँधने चला, जो था असाध्य, साधने चला।

हरि ने भीषण हुंकार किया, अपना स्वरूप-विस्तार किया,

डगमग-डगमग दिग्गज डोले, भगवान् कुपित होकर बोले-

'जंजीर बढ़ा कर साध मुझे,

हाँ, हाँ दुर्योधन! बाँध मुझे।

यह देख, गगन मुझमें लय है, यह देख, पवन मुझमें लय है,

मुझमें विलीन झंकार सकल, मुझमें लय है संसार सकल।

सब जन्म मुझी से पाते हैं,

फिर लौट मुझी में आते हैं।

यह देख जगत का आदि-अन्त, यह देख, महाभारत का रण,

मृतकों से पटी हुई भू है,

पहचान, कहाँ इसमें तू है।

Ye waqt ke kabhi Gulam nahi ..

This is a song from the movie "Taare zameen par ". This song shows the two faces of the modern world. One kind of human beings are busy in the rat race life , where they follow a strict routines and live a Mechanical life (numb life). Other kind is one who live a void life i.e nothing to lose or nothing to gain, nothing to worry or nothing to sorry. I think the second kind is much better than being followers of rat race . Because in this modern world, the more I attempted to "Be me" the more "me's" i found there were. I really dont need a " reason " to be happy. I neither have to consult the future to know how happy I am now nor I have look back into history pages to compare my happiness . If there is a 'me' that curses and struggles and a 'me' that winks and walks in peace , do I have a choice of selves. We live in a primitive time, don't we, Will? Neither savage nor wise. Half measures of the curse of it, any rational society will either kill us or put us to some use. A robin red-breast in a cage, puts all of Heaven in a rage. Think to yourself that every day is your last. The hour to which you do not look forward will come as a welcome surprise.

In the words of a Antichrist Singer "Marilyn Manson " :

Sweet dreams are made of these.
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas.
Everybody's looking for something.
Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to get used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you.

Some of them want to be abused.

Here is the song with the lyrics below :

Kas Ke Joota Kas Ke Belt
Khoons Ke Andar Apni Shirt
Manzil Ko Chali Sawaari
Kandho Pe Zimmedari

Haath Mein File Man Mein Dum
Meelon Meel Chalenge Hum
Har Mushkil Se Takrayenge
Tas Se Mas Na Honge Hum

Duniya Ka Naara Jame Raho
Manzil Ka Ishaara Jame Raho
Duniya Ka Naara Jame Raho
Manzil Ka Ishaara Jame Raho

Ye Sote Bhee Hain Attention
Aage Rehne Ki Hai Tension
Mehnat Inko Pyari Hai
Ekdum Aagyakari Hain

Ye Omlet Par Hi Jeete Hain
Ye Tonic Saare Peete Hain
Waqt Pe Sote Waqt Pe Khate
Taan Ke Seena Padhte Jate

Duniya Ka Naara Jame Raho...

Yahaan Alag Andaz Hai
Jaise Chhidta Koi Saaz Hai
Har Kaam Ko Taala Karte Hain
Ye Sapne Paala Karte Hain

Ye Hardum Socha Karte Hain
Ye Khud Se Poocha Karte Hain

Kyon Duniya Ka Naara Jame Raho
Kyon Manzil Ka Ishaara Jame Raho
Kyon Duniya Ka Naara Jame Raho
Kyon Manzil Ka Ishaara Jame Raho

Ye Waqt Ke Kabhi Ghulam Nahin
Inhain Kisi Baat Ka Dhyan Nahin
Titli Se Milne Jaate Hain
Ye Pedon Se Batiyate Hain

Ye Hawa Batora Karte Hain
Barish Ki Boondein Padhate Hai
Aur Aasmaan Ke Canvas Pe
Ye Kalakariyan Karte Hain

Kyon Duniya Ka Naara Jame Raho
Kyon Manzil Ka Ishaara Jame Raho
Kyon Duniya Ka Naara Jame Raho
Kyon Manzil Ka Ishaara Jame Raho

DEATH AND TACOS

Reading the below story reminds me of the Words of Gita "Death is nothing more than immortalizing the soul " But still we fear death . Mujhe yaad aaya ek behtareen quote "acrophobia is not fear of height , but is the fear that we are gonna hit the ground " :-)

Waiting in line at a taco stand for my number to be called I started talking to a six-year-old kid kicking his little foot against A curb and waiting for his dad to come out of the bathroom.
And he said, “Why do you cough so much?”.
And I said, “Because I have cancer.”
And he said, “Bummer.”
And I said, “Yep.”
And he said, “Does it hurt?”
And I said, “Only when I breathe.”
And he said, “Why don’t you hold your breath?”
And I puffed out my cheeks like Lois Armstrong and Let him see it and held it for as long as I could Before exploding into a hacking eruption of Stupid sounds and saliva.
And he laughed. And I coughed and laughed.
And he said, “Feel better?”
And I said, “A bit.”
And I showed him how much better with my Thumb and index finger. And pointed at a green thread of mucous that had dribbled out onto my chin.
He said, “Gross.”
And wiping it off I said, “Yep.”
And he said, “My granddaddy had cancer before he died on the hospital.”
And I said, “You mean in the hospital?”
And he said, “Yeah on the hospital.”
And I said, “Oh, yeah?”
And he said, “He used to give me candy all of the times I ever saw him.” And I said, “Sorry kid, I don’t have any candy.”
And, deflated, he said, “Are you gonna die on the hospital?”
And I said, “You mean in the hospital?”
And he said, “Yea, are you gonna die on the hospital?”
And I said, “Probably.”
And he said, “OK.”
And, upon giving that gracious consent, the boy’s dad came out and The boy said, “Well, bye!”
And I said, “See ya.” And he ran off.
And, for a while, between the two of us, Dying became so very ordinary, like candy or tacos or semantics, And death itself suddenly just this obnoxious third-wheel A pitiful nuisance with nothing better to do with his time Than to tag along with me and this six-year-old kid.
And I sat smiling in the sun and imagining death at the moment, A sad sack of lonely-self slumped somewhere in the distance, As I waited for my number to come up.

A story which really makes you feel the Innocence

May be most of you have read this story earlier. Same is the case with me but each time I read it , It reminds me the age of innocence :-) i lived in my childhood . Those days me and my sister used to steal some dry fruits from my grandpa's shop for our gudda-guddi marriage , those days of eating sweet rice outside peer-baba, days we used to play in snow ,making snow man and blah blah. Repeating my same old words "When I was a kid, the world was not so small".

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.

Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.

The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down in front of his huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran out of the room, then hurried home as fast as his legs would carry him. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.

He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

Author Unknown

From flying to failures-Lust and Rust

Its been a long time since I update this blog with something . So today I thought lets roll the ball again. As my caption goes on 'From flying to failures-Lust and Rust ' , it reflects the state of my mind. Its been nearly two years I graduated from REC durgapur and landed up in Cisco Systems, Bangalore. Life in college was full of fun and enjoyment ,shielded from the procs and cons of Corporate life : Reminded me of a dialogue of RDB "College vich DJ ke baadi pehchan hai .. log kehte hai ..Dj mein baadi baat hai .. Par college ke bahir acha acha DJ piss gaye " . I still remember the day when I left the college , It was hell for me as I lived a life in the college . But the day my journey finished , i understood that : The five elements (water, earth, fire,space,air) are not always equally predominant ; the four seasons make way for each other in turn . There are short days and long; the moon has its period of waning and waxing.
Joining Cisco Systems , becoming mentee of a guy who has done double PDH from stanford and working with a staff who has patents and even books published , gave me a chance to look at 'Artifice of deviation' . I tried to learn about how you can bury the past of relationship , love, emotions which REC durgapur injected in me , but as you also know the problem with approach is that the past claws its way out and I got a very good friend circle in the company .. where people work not because they are paid to but because they want to do .. where people stay late nights not because their manager told them to but because other guys are also staying late for meetings , where fun is an important aspect of professional culture. These two years of my life appeared like a whole life time journey full of experiences of appreciations , meetings, Coffee at breakout area , the mail chains , the unrelated scandals ;-p and lot more learning , hands patting my back & tousling my hair.

Aah ..!!! Now you must be thinking what the shit I am talking of . By the title it looks something else :-). Let me pen down that also . The day I joined the Co , I decided I will go for further studies and then go back to my college: REC durgapur . Now that tenure of two years is gone to dust but still I am running with lust of more and more . This lust will soon Rust me down and I will be nothing more than a dead man . Now I have to choose how I am going to die . From few months I am trying to find the answers of this question but hard luck. Then I started reading books . Trying to find myself in these books. Each time I read a book, I feel like a character of that book and I start behave like them. I started feeling the pain and joy of the characters. I still remember the day when I was supposed to meet my sister in forum and Since she was late from office so I started reading the book 'For one more day' , I don't know what happened to me , all of a sudden the world around me changed. I started feeling like I am Charley and all whats happening with him is happening with me . I felt myself like a drunkard who had been cast out of human society. But the best part of it is ,with each story and each character , I felt my presence in that situation . So all books to me looks like my story of life .
I am sure that I am boring you , but I am loving it to pen down myself . Chalo let me put some masala like bollywood movies :-). Few days back I was reading 'Kite Runner'. Personally if you will ask me , I didn't like the story in a whole , half of it till Amir was in Afghanistan , It was fine then it become like a boring to me . Anyways this part of Kite runner I loved ,where the narrator of the story 'Amir' wrote his first story :
" It was a dark little tale about a man who found a magic cup and learned that if he wept into the cup, his tears turned into pearls. But even though he had always been poor, he was a happy man and rarely shed a tear. So he found ways to make himself sad so that his tears could make him rich. As the pearls piled up, so did his greed grow. The story ended with the man sitting on a mountain of pearls, knife in hand, weeping helplessly into the cup with his beloved wife’s slain body in his arms."

He got lots of appreciations from everyone about his story . In the evening , he called his friend cum cook "Hassan"(an illiterate kid ). Hassan listened the story and also praised Amir of the story but he asked a doubt to Amir :
“Well,” he said, “if I may ask, why did the man kill his wife? In fact, why did he ever have to feel sad to shed tears? Couldn’t he have just smelled an onion?”
I was really amazed at Hassan's answer . It reminded of another event happened at my team-mate's home. My team mate is having two daughters - nearly 5 years and 7 years old. Everyday these kids used to play 'teacher student game' , where the elder one becomes a teacher and the younger one a student . For few days this game went on fine where Teacher checks the homework of the student and yells at the student(younger one). One day the younger one decided that No more teacher student game because she was always the Victim ;-p , but the elder one didn't agree , So after 5-10 minutes of discussions the younger one agreed to play the game . When the elder one : Teacher asked for the homework , the younger one replied "today the student is sick and here is the Sick leave. Student is absent" . The teacher was stunned with the answer and so Do I and everyone on the reply: its really very very logical reply :-) .
This was another aspect of our life . Such events lower the intensity of monotonous routines of our lives. We need something which makes us feel that we are still alive. Same is the case with me now. I don't know which way I am going . "When you don't know which way to go, any road will take you there". I think I was much more human in college than now. It reminded me Alchemist's saying " At a certain point in our lives , we loose control of what's happening to us , & our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie" and I am living in that lie now. I need to come out of the cycle of Lust : Here the lust has sentimental as opposed to monetary value.
Last week I finished Jonathan seagull, which gave me few good directions to go to but i need to work hard to understand the real pathway . Once a guy who used to dream only of flying is now lying somewhere in the sands of time , cursing himself and the whole world . But i need to understand whats True .. whats real and whats me ?? One more important point we need to understand "We need to understand what we really are , what really makes me happy Because I will radiate whats in me : If I will be sad , i will radiate sadness around me and if I will be happy I will radiate happiness around me ". So now the important question "What makes me happy ?". Few things i know :One is books which make me happy and other is My mother : Because there's a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all our stories is always our mother's story , because her's is where ours begin.

"What caused an echo ?"
The persistence of sound after the source has stopped.
"When can we hear an echo?"
When it is quite and other sounds are absorbed .


NOW when it will be quite, I will hear the Voice : Neither of male nor of female , neither loud nor soft, a voice infinitely kind. And the voice will say to me "When you can't go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward and the best way is ................................."

Me .. me ... and me

A picture depicting the whole life . A picture of my inner self. I dont know whats in this picture which makes me feel that I am that paper man, trying to burn myself. I know most of the folks will think its some depression or frustration. But fact is that its the search of real me. Working days and night to fix bugs, to work on enhancements ,to follow up meetings , to boot up routers and test my code changes , all is well. But its not reflecting the real me . Now-a-days whenever i tell this to others, the most common reply is "I think you need a break , go .. have some vacations, enjoy with friends and family" ,but no one understands the feelings of resentment of being What I am and what I am doing . I don't know why I am feeling like this , may be 'I really need a break' or may be 'I need to break the wall' . Whatever i do , whether awake or sleep , some thoughts always keep on floating into my mind . The thoughts "Why i really exist???" "Is only earning good , spending good , working good is LIFE about" "What is that I want to be ??" "Am i really ME??" "What's MY Problem" "Why am I 'AIMLESS' ?" "Whats the real confusion?" "Don't I have guts to quit everything and find the truth about me " "What is that am I living for?" "Why .. why .. why" . These screams of "WHY" have made my life miserable . This pic seems to be me with several burnt match sticks around showing My failures to attain the ultimate TRUTH , my previous failed attempts to find me . The clock facing opposite from that paper man, seems like the clock of my life ,stopped somewhere and now pulsating only with one thought "Can this be the final attempt of me of finding ME ?? ". Time seems to have stopped for me at only one thought. Will I be able to make it this time or will it be again a failed attempt like other burnt match stick. Will it be half burnt match stick , I will find half truth and keep on struggling of the other half ... Or will i try again for this with new attempts like the unburnt match sticks.

But whatever be the future, present is "I am confused . I am searching for something which is within me .." .Dont know when this search will go away or how I will find answers of unknown questions. How ?? how ?? how ??? and When ?? . The Two words can describe my life "AIMLESS LIFE"

Maut tu ek kavitaa hai

mujhse ek kavita ka vada hai milegi mujhko
doobti nabzon mein jab dard ko neend aane lage
zard sa chehra lekar jab chaand ufaq tak pahunche
din abhi paani mein ho, raat kinaare ke kareeb
na andhera na ujaala ho, na abhi raat na din
jism jab khatm ho aur rooh ko jab saans aaye
mujhse ek kavita ka waada hai milegi mujhko

and this one

Zindagi aur maut upar wali ke haath hai jahanpanah !!!!
usse naa tho aap badal sakte hai naa mein
Hum sab tho rang manch ki kaatputliyaan hai
jin ki door uppar walle ki unngliyo mein bandhi hui hai
kab kaun kaise uthe ga ye koyi nahi bata sakta