Handwriting

After nearly a year, i got time to post on this blog. While i went through previous posts, certain thoughts came surrounded my mind : Have I lost myself in the search of light or life ? Have I made myself busy enough not to think ? What has really changed in past one year. The only thing which i can think of is : I lost myself somewhere in this game of life. But then who was i and who am I now ? Was that me who used to enjoy free world , one who used to go out with friends , one who used to be known as **Most Notorious fellow ** in school or was it the one who used to spend time in college library, who used to talk about darkness within light , who used to shave his head because police was searching for him , who was known as **Misogynist ** in college or the one who looks at code and thinks i suffer from codingophobia or one who looks at mirror everyday and prays to god to please kill him or one who is smiling at the world looking from the peak of Arunachala Hill , one who still silently alone in Gloria Jean and orders for more and more caffeine. How drastic things changed for me , infact they were not drastic. It was a very gradual unnoticed change which was happening within myself and slowly it changed me. Now if I look back, those days look like a dream or activities happened in some other parallel universe. But still the question remained unanswered : What changed in past one year ?

This year will be a remarkable year of my life , in this year I powered myself enough with self-control that i nearly stopped calling any of my friends , infact if i look at my total talktime, it might be less than 24 hours . I moved more toward finding new directions in life either by photography or my painting or by writing stories or by involving myself in alumnus activities. Someone once told me if you keep yourself busy , you will forget all pains . But whats the pain which i want to forget. There are certain things which keep flourishing in our mind irrespective of the fact that they never exist in real life. Good thing about this year was I came out of a phobia, i used to think that i wont live without talking but now that over :-). This year made me love a song more than ever, its " raat humari toh - Parineeta movie"

andhera Pagal hain 
kitna ghanera hain
chubhta hain, dasta hain
phir bhi woh mera hain

Such a beautiful lines if blend with "Aur Ho - Rockstar movie "

Tujhe cheen loon ya chodh doon
Tujhe maang loon ya modh doon
Iss lamhe..kya kar jaaoon
Jo mujhe chain mile
Aaraam mile

I discovered many ways to mend my aloofness, sometimes by listening lots & lots of music and sometimes by reading books. But it never went away, infact i have realized the more i try to push herself away from me , the more she pulls me towards to her. I think she must be given a title of Best actress in this world as "She always draws my attention" :-) . Thats also another achievement of the year, my jokes quality has 
improved a lot naa ....!!!!  Atleast this year , i have learnt this lesson that I can't go back to yesterday  - because I was a different person then.So i need to find new ways to find my identity. 

Anyways  this will continue, till i find it and somehow i know i will find it soon .